Author: Bill Bain
First, may I express how proud I am to have served our government in several prominent roles, initially as Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change. I think we both agree my tenure was a great success – the Treasury was certainly grateful when UK holidaymakers stopped travelling abroad for a healthy winter tan.
Despite my achievements in this office, you’ll also recall I too was exposed to intolerable heat and publicly roasted – by the downmarket press. It still pains me to recall my civil servants’ failure to declare a conflict of interest when it transpired my brother was chairman of lobbying firm Finsbury. I remain confident, however, they truly believed it wasn’t in the public interest that one of dear Roland’s clients won a £100m contract for the construction of Hinkley Point nuclear plant.
You kindly overlooked this small matter – and also some malicious accusations of misleading Parliament on renewable energy targets – when you made me Home Secretary in July 2016. You’ll also then recall asking me to resign soon after. This was down to, once again, my staff failing to communicate my job remit to me. This time, I hadn’t been informed of an internal memo on delivering targets for exporting the children of Caribbean immigrants.
Again, I express regret over my eyes’ failure to see these plans – apparently addressed directly to me – which outlined how many of these legally-settled UK citizens we could send back “home”. I maintain I had absolutely no idea about goals of 12,800 enforced returns over 2017/18. And I certainly knew nothing about estimates of “10% increased performance on enforced returns, which we promised the Home Secretary earlier this year”. Even though I was said Home Secretary, it was certainly news to me when I read it in the press! I must, however, again express my regret – as I said at the time – for “inadvertently misleading” everyone on this matter.
After gallantly falling upon my sword, at your request, it was perhaps understandable that I had to wait several weeks on the backbenches before you anointed me Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. And I must again pay tribute to what I assume has been exceptional work on the part of my civil servants in once again hiding any troublesome memos and reports. This has allowed me to deny responsibility for the apocalyptic rollout of Universal Credit in a highly convincing manner.
Yet, despite the ongoing inadequacy of my staff within all the departments I have resided over, I must again stress that all these roles have been highly rewarding, not only for myself, but the UK as a whole. I am grateful to you for affording me these opportunities and you can be confident the country is too.
Would you credit it?
Although I will no longer be scrutinised by your strong and stable perception of reality, I would still like to inform you of my most recent act of office – one which will hopefully banish the enduringly troublesome spectre of Universal Credit.
Historically, our government has been unafraid to use reality distortion techniques to sow the seeds of discord and confusion among the populace. Hence, I recently redirected £250,000 of their tax contributions towards the garishly tabloid “Metro” newspaper, which has in turn agreed to publish our own take on UC’s highly successful rollout over four pages.
You are likely unaware of Metro’s existence yourself, having never travelled on public transport. The Orient Express does not count. Note this paper is very popular among the proles – likely due to its “free” RRP.
You’ll recall a conversation where we once compared our government’s approved public perceptions of reality to Apple founder Steve Jobs’ own “reality distortion field”, which saw him bend facts like Uri Geller’s spoons in order to convince his staff of the impossible. With our five-page Metro wraparound, we’ll project a similarly powerful illusion, one which imagines the current benefits system running like a brand new iPhone, ably powered by the battery of a compassionate Conservative government helping people swipe their lives onto a more prosperous page.
Framed round a timely “tackling fake news” narrative, our Metro campaign – published this week – purports to “myth-bust the common inaccuracies reported on UC”. And according to an internal memo – unfortunately leaked again – this feature was deliberately designed not to “look or feel like DWP or UC – you won’t see our branding … we want to grab the readers’ attention and make them wonder who has done this ‘UC uncovered’ investigation.” So you can be assured any photos of you or I didn’t make the cut!
This campaign might seem somewhat propagandistic to the untrained eye, yet as we both understand, our role in governmental office is not to alarm the public with inconvenient truths, but rather suggest comforting alternative realities. And even if our opposing narratives are not initially believed, they still infect an individual’s belief system with a tiny hint of doubt, pacifying them by distorting their reality tunnel.
As we know, an avalanche of contradictory information discombobulates the public’s collective psyche and perception of events. This, in turn, forces them to find comfort and solidarity in safe binary political and religious silos. Divided, conquered and at war with each other, this highly favourable environment then allows our friends and financiers to operate undetected and maintain the societal inequality that keeps us in a job.
The Man from Auntie
But I digress. Going back to the UC campaign, you’ll be pleased our media blitz also includes a BBC documentary which we apparently have editorial control over. Except for in Liverpool, where Jobcentre staff have refused to take part.
Still, hopefully we can set the rest of the UK straight with our BBC-sanctioned version of reality – full of facts which will likely come as some relief to those who falsely believe they’ve had their lives destroyed by UC. Or claimants who have false memories of contemplating suicide due to imaginary sanctions, delays or cuts.
I must add, it’s been salaciously suggested by the press that this campaign may, somehow, bolster my chances of becoming Deputy Prime Minister after you, regrettably, step down. Although turning round the currently poor public perception of UC would certainly do no harm to one’s prospects, I would like to stress that even someone as unfit for work as yourself will likely struggle to qualify for PIP benefits.
DESPITE campaigning against Brexit, I would like to remind you of my commitment to Brexit by remaining in my Cabinet role, my presence keeping morale high among the faithful. And know I was there in spirit as you fought off countless political and media pygmies – a giant ultimately felled by her enemies’ multitude and abundance, much like King Kong or Gulliver.
Although I rarely ventured onto the frontline to defend you myself, know that you always had my resolute support in delivering reality distortion on a grand, cosmic scale. Your resignation will now allow our race to fully deplete this planet’s natural resources and move onto the next one sooner than we thought. However, I still advise you to return to our home world Xyrrrg immediately before your skin suit corrodes completely.
Xttyfd Kkii – who, as we know, goes by “Boris” on this planet – is growing ever more frustrated, his true reptilian form clearly uncomfortable within such an unruly, bizarre skin suit. You’ll agree we must now move him into prime position before the Earthings grow too suspicious that only a fantastical explanation can account for their current political and societal reality. The one we created. Together.